Winding oneself up on the journey home

Yes, I am in a foul mood again. It all started because Pure fucked up. It is a web-based e-newsletter system that we recently switched over to as we can do fancier emails and we aren’t bound by the Outlook server crashing - which happens on a ridiculously frequent basis. But perhaps Pure aren’t all we thought they were cracked up to be - this has happened three times in the past week and a half…! And PureGuy who is usually really great and cheers me up was unusually quiet when I phoned to query the problem.

Well, it wasn’t up by 5pm so I stayed late and then it became clear that it wasn’t going to come back up again so I emailed myself the stuff and it’s a job hanging over my head tonight when I am at home - you know, having time off work, to myself etc etc… Hoorah.

There are only two good things to come out of today - that I actually (miraculously) made the 5.35pm train, and my walk around St. James’s Park at lunchtime. I realised that the remains of last week’s loaf of bread were still on the side in the kitchen today so I took that with me and felt childishly happy feeding the ducks and geese (but not the crazy cannibal pelicans that have ditched their normal diet of fish for pigeons - there are signs up around the park saying “Do not feed the pelicans”. These signs are authoritative enough to stop me feeding them). After feeding the local wildlife I did my usual lap. I was texting Canadian P at the time and a reply came back that the crazy cannibal pelicans must “be related to the freaky looking duck sitting next to him, making eyes at his can of Red Bull” which meant that he was somewhere in the park too. This cheered me up a bit because I always love his text messages as they feel so far removed from every other aspect of my life. As I did my walk around the lake I kept an eye out for him, but managed to do an entire lap and get back to the office without seeing him. Perhaps I have forgotten what he looks like!?

Well, back to the shit that has gotten on my nerves today. Server issues aside, most of it is thanks to public transport - what’s that? Tell you something you don’t already know? Ah, shurrup smart arse. So, irritating things as of today:

• The London Paper’s “Pet of the day” feature - who gives a shit?!
• Vicky Beckham whinging on in the news that she would love to be “Lady Beckham” and then claiming “only because it’s so camp!” What a load of bull - she fucking means it. She’s more self-absorbed than I am!!
• Puffed-up CT (city type) gassing away on his mobile for ages on leaving Waterloo. Waffling on in important jargon city-speak about mergers and blah blah blah. There is something I have learnt about CTs. Because they are always in the City and rarely able to drive, they don’t just indulge in the usual massive car to compensate for their tiny cocks. Yes, there is their super-sized pay packet as well, but that isn’t what I mean. They make up for their inadequecy in the trouser department by talking far too loudly on their mobiles about stocks and shares and the big deal they did today. They have to make sure the entire carriage sits there thinking “Wow, what an amazing individual!” or, more likely, “What an utter prat. Small penis alert for sure.”
• The “ahhhing woman”. Sat next to puffed-up CT. Her mobile phone conversation followed about a split second after puffed-up CT snapped his phone shut (yes, he had one of those bloody phones that cut the call by closing. And, yes, he did do it one-handed. And, yes, he did look smug as fuck too. Irritating prick). Her conversation comprised of her repeatedly going “aaahhhh” and “oooohhh” and “ohhhhhh” and “um-hum” and little else. D’ARGH!
• Pistachio Man. The pin-stripe suited CT that I sat next to, mistakenly thinking “oh, I’ll sit here; he looks like a normal commuter who will likely hate all the things I hate and therefore not be annoying.” Oh how wrong. Things were going well, until about halfway home, Pistachio Man produces from his jacket pocket a small tupperware box of (yes, you guessed it) pistachio nuts, which he proceeds to eat like a rodent all the way back to Southampton (and beyond I imagine as I left him there, happily cracking the shells in his teeth and oblivious to how annoying the sound was).
• Yes, I could have put my iPod on. No, I didn’t for some reason that escapes me right now.
• People wandering through the carriage but failing to stay upright. Why is it that so many people find walking on moving trains so very difficult? It really isn’t! Just go with the motion of the train! Christ! Stop trying to sit on my lap!!!
• The woman who phoned her grandson/daughter/cat to ask how wonderful their holiday was. It annoyed me because it highlighted how shit my day had been. However, I soon felt bad. A bit later in the journey I snuck a glance at her and she reminded me of my Nan, who passed away just before my birthday this year. I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt really tearful and missed her. So when this lady phoned someone else close to her to remind them that a programme they wanted to listen to was on Radio 3 tonight I berated myself for being a miserable cow and wished she was my grandmother.