two-faced
I don’t like you and I never have. I think it is probably fairly safe to say that I will never see a change of heart or mind where this is concerned. I have tried, don’t get me wrong, I really have. I tried to “be a big person” about it all and look past everything but I failed. There you have it; I am a failure. It is the only thing I have ever failed at in my life (unless you want to count the string of relationships sitting in the bin, and by all means be my guest, I don’t care). And I don’t care that I failed at this either.
You can sit there and smile at me all you like. You can tell me all about your cushty life these days, how you’re on your feet, how happy you are and make stupid remarks like: “oh, isn’t it great that everything has turned out for the best?!”
Of course I will nod in agreement. I will make all the right “mmming” and “yep”-ing noises. All the things you want to hear. I mean, we are friends.
Except I am two-faced.
It is just easier to pretend that we are past it all now. There are people that I care about that so badly want us to get on. They want the rift healed. They want to believe that none of it was real, or that you didn’t hurt me. Back then. And because of them, I get on with it. I get on with you.
I can bear you now. I can even spend substantial lengths of time with you. It doesn’t mean that I like you though. You annoy me. You’re over familiar with me. You don’t understand that there is a line in the sand that you will never be able to cross and it pisses me off that you try. It irritates me that you try to paper over the cracks that took years to form. Respect that they are there. Respect that your laughter and jokes with me and all those messages with x’s all over them cannot fill them in.
Are you stupid or something?
Would you really just roll over and let someone walk all over you if the roles were reversed?
I sit here and smile at you. I call you “hunny” and check that you’re ok or send a reply trying to sound like I am interested when I am not. That makes me a bad person but, you know what? Give a shit. I only talk to you because people I care about want me to. I don’t care what you do these days. I don’t care who you grew into. I don’t care that you work here, live here, drive that, think that. You’re just another person to manipulate to my advantage. And why not eh?
Filed under: Friends, Relationships, letters I will never send | 6 Comments
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And I thought I was the only person who felt that way. At least you had the ’soup’ to post. I, on the other hand, have made a completely private post so a certain someone doesn’t read the real issues I have with her (since she reads my ‘normal’ blog http://frye79.blogspot.com).
Good writings, nonetheless.
Jess
Do you roll your eyes when they look away? I think that rolling of the eyes is sort of a necessity when you’re being two faced…rubbing your hands together isn’t necessary but it does add something to the whole exchange. As does muttering “Soon, my plan will reach fruition…”.
I hardly like anyone. Really, just ask any one who knows me well enough. They’ll all tell you that I hardly like anyone and that they’re one of my few good friends. Of course, they’re wrong. I probably don’t like them either. I hardly like anyone.
I do not think it too much. I think it makes those few friendships that I really have that much more valuable. Sometimes I wish things were different but most of the time I just don’t like people enough to care.
Is that wrong?
but why not just be indifferent? why not just tolerate her rather than pretend to be her friend?
if it’s to do with people who care about you so much, they will understand that you can’t get on with them but you will tolerate their presence for their sakes, they shouldn’t ask you to be something you’re not and you shouldn’t do it… falseties are just more pressure on everyone!
Hi Jess, welcome. I don’t think the person in question reads this blog. At least, I hope not.
Froggy – No, I am nice as pie…
Sammy – believe me, it is just easier this way…
Yes, you are. You were just being ironic….right?
Why do you bother with this person. It sounds like your not getting anything from her/him. Other than grief.