should have trusted my instincts
25 November, 2007 by blue soup
It was about 4.15pm Saturday afternoon. I was at Clapham Junction. The story so far is that I got to Little Place and I wanted to buy an extension ticket from boundary zone 3 to Cesspit but, surprise surprise, there wasn’t a single member of staff to be found at Little Place to purchase aforementioned ticket.
Oh well, I thought. I will just get the train to Clapham Junction where I was going to have to change trains anyway as my ticket is valid between Little Place and there, and I would get my extension from CJ instead.
So, I went through the ticket barriers and queued up behind the rest of the masses. It’s a bugger that their stupid machines can’t do extensions, otherwise this might never have happened, and ignorance is bliss remember…
The queue wasn’t moving very fast at all, but I was all hooked up to my iPod and rather enjoying the thinking time. People were shifting from foot to foot, and I gradually became aware that, while there were only 4 ticket counters open, most of the staff appeared to be crowded around one of them, at the far end and slightly to my right. There appeared to be a bit of an argument going on. The girl at the counter was rowing with the station staff about a ticket and something to do with a cheque. Then I realised something. The guy standing next to her, leaning on his elbows, back towards me, was the spitting image of Fire Man from behind.
Well, so what? Loads of guys look similar from behind. But as I looked him up and down and took in his scrappy black fleece jumper, his not-so tall height, his soft mousey brown hair, his slouch, and then his shoes, I felt this pit suddenly appear in the depths of my stomach. When he turned his head slightly to face his argumentative female “friend”, I saw that the front of his hairline went up into a little quiff… and there was no gel. So I wasn’t surprised really (ok, yes I was), when he turned around and it turned out to be him.
Yes. Fire Man. At Clapham Junction. Today. At the same time as me. With Claire.
If God wasn’t trying to tell me something, then I dunno what that was about.
Two seconds later, out of boredom, he scanned the crowd in the queue and caught my eye. I grinned and then edged backwards slightly so that the man behind me obscured his view. It had been a glimpse of me lasting but a second, but he did a double take and I saw him lean over to see around the guy between us. Then, realising it was me, he walked over and said hello.
I felt sick. I could feel my hands shaking and shoved them deep into my pockets, gripping my pass tightly and feeling the adrenaline that goes along with these kinds of situations pumping through me. So, what was I doing at CJ? I explained that I was on my way to Cesspit to see friends in the pub and mentally thanked myself for putting on lashings of make up so that, from the neck up, I looked pretty stunning. Sadly my attire of scrappy dark jeans and a cruddy black army coat brought me down. I recall thinking that his nose looked a little flatter than I remembered it.
Twice he asked me if I was ok. I think he was getting at the fact that he was with another woman, who we both knew that I knew was Claire. Both times I said, with a smile, that I was fine. He said he wasn’t ignoring my email (in reply to the one I posted here the other day). I said that was fine and there was no rush. I cheerfully asked what he was doing there? Ticket trouble apparently. Oh right. Then he said that he was going into town to watch some American Gangsta film or something. I grinned that it wasn’t my kind of film and hoped he had a nice night. He then nodded, said goodbye and left me to return to standing next to Claire who was still having a go at the station staff.
I just felt totally crushed. So much for them breaking up in July/May/January/whichever fucking month he wanted to lie about on a given night. I feel so stupid, so hurt, so naive. Why take me for a ride? What was the point in it? Why do it? I am a nice girl and not the ugliest bitch alive, why treat me with such disrespect? What on earth did I do to him? When we swapped numbers that night, why did he take mine? Why didn’t he just say that he was already taken?!
Shortly after I was called to a window a few places down from them. I politely bought my extension and walked to the gate, which meant passing them both close enough to touch Fire Man on the back. I didn’t. I just walked past. I didn’t stop to say goodbye, just put my headphones in and kept walking.
For the rest of the night I swigged vodka and wine. Now I am home and I feel that the drink didn’t touch me. I feel hollow and sad. He’s been texting me since we called it off on Tuesday, friendly, same old three-kiss style. I am such a fucking muppet. And thank god for sleeping tablets, for I know that I won’t sleep without them tonight. Never again will I dare to follow a man and give him MY number. Fucking arseholes.
The only upside is that she’s frumpier than her photo. She has massive frizzy hair in a plain old pony tail. She is larger than I am… It is little comfort that he chose her over me. I guess it must be the time factor or something, but I feel pretty crappy tonight now.
I would of loved to have been a fly on the station wall. FM is a cool customer to come over and act as if nothing is untoward. If I had been you Blue soup I would of asked him how Claire was and what were they doing together. But I know how hard that could be when it is all so current.
I hope you slept ok.
Mark x
that’s totally how i feel every time i have run into my ex, and we have been apart for years . . . and every time i see her in public i try to make a b-line, and every time she sees me and tries to make all nicey-nice. i just want to tell her to fuck off.
You did well to keep your cool. I don’t know what I would do if I saw my ex with his girlfriend. How do these people sleep at night.
Don’t worry blue soup. You’re better than him.
Well, I needed to retain my dignity. In many ways, FM is lucky that he dicked me over and not someone else who wouldn’t think twice about causing a scene. I COULD have marched over there and told Claire everything. Instead, I just kept my mouth shut and my head high. He doesn’t need to know that I was crying inside, although I suspect he probably does. FM is excellent at reading people, that much I do know about him. Perhaps I did her a disservice in not telling her what he has been doing behind her back, but I don’t know her and they have mutual friends (like the girl who told my friend to warn me about him) so surely one of them should find it in their heart to let her know. Or maybe she does know. I mean, she would hardly be the first woman to have shut her eyes to this kind of messing around just to keep the peace and have him return to her when he tires (well, until the next piece of skirt takes his fancy).
I guess we just wait for this reply email that he keeps going on about (he has mentioned it three times now, twice over text and then yesterday at the station).
I am taking pride in the fact that I only ever told him three lies (as in big lies):
1. That Beardy and I broke up in May. Although technically true, we got back together and did that on-off thing until August…
2. That I didn’t know about this cervix stuff when we met (just that it was routine and then not… although I have known for 6 months something odd was going on, just not quite how odd/bad it was).
3. That the time he texted me to say he was early and waiting for me, and I replied saying I was still at the office about to have a meeting with The Boss, I was actually in the pub on the other side of the park having a glass of wine for dutch courage with Sales Girl and Clicky Man.
I dunno how he sleeps at night. Maybe he doesn’t. Irony is that I have insomnia. Perhaps he needs my Zopiclone tablets more than I do??
I hate that awkward conversation…it’s a bit of a catch 22, if he hadn’t of come over to you and chatted, you’d have been pissed off and when he did, it’s impossible to say the right thing. Especially when there’s a gf standing just over there. He might have chosen her over you, but really love… no one wants a cheater. She’s probably miserable, but has no self esteem to think she can do better. At least you know you’re better than that…
Well first off good on you for being calm and reasonable (on the outside at least). And as Jo says, you don’t want a cheater anyway - so Claire is welcome to him.
I absolutely understand the empty and sad feeling though - big hug to you
It doesn’t tell us much that he’s gone back to his ex [i]after[/i] you’d made it clear that you’re no longer interested, does it? Is him catching a train with Claire so much different to you entertaining your rats (etc.) with Beardy?
Grr - forgot that this place uses HTML and not BBCode.
Jo - you’re right, but I am one of those girls who always feels worse about “losing someone” when I don’t get the final say. It’s a pride thing and to do with forever wanting what I cannot have.
LG - Thanks for the hug missus, it has gone down a treat. He’s messaged me today, mentioned my drunken text to him last night (I typoed somebollocks about how we were drunk and hoped he had a good film. Yeah, so graceful… hmmm). R’ARGH
Coatman - I don’t think you understand… he hasn’t “gone back to his ex”. She wasn’t his ex!!! I was his bit on the side!!! And Beardy came over two days after FM and I called it quits…
But - didn’t Beardy come over while FM was on holidays?
And what if he called her after you dumped him? Maybe they were just hanging out? Like, how you and Beardy have lunch?
Irregarless - you don’t trust him as far as you can throw him, so better off without him!
Blue: The only evidence that you seem to have that she never was the ex is the fact that you saw them together after you decided to end it, which doesn’t take one terribly far.
Coatman - I really think you are grasping at straws now. A friend of mine warned him that FM is known for playing about behind his girlfriend’s back and that she thought it highly likely that they were still together when he told her that FM was dating me… add this to the ever-changing date of breaking up, the impossibility to arrange a date without it being at short notice, and now seeing him with her just days after HE ended it with ME (for all my intention, he got in there first). I think that is more than enough for me to think what I think without constantly having to defend my opinion on the matter.
I think it is time for you to simply leave him be. Whilst it would be interesting to see how / when / if he replies to your email, maybe the best thing for you is to just cut your ties with him properly?
At least your gut instinct was right all along x
Perps - Easier said than done. He said he will reply, I think he will if only to have the last word. He was being his usual incredibly sweet and charming self last night (as mentioned on the small world post). He laid it on even thicker in later messages. Pah, men.
My gut instinct was right, but that doesn’t explain why I seem to have this magnetism to complete arses in the first place…
You are so NOT worthless.
As for the last word thing, its just a dangerous game in my opinion. One of you has to let it go otherwise it will contnue to upset you in some form or another.
You will come acros a right un soon enough darl. xx
Maybe you are attracked to arse because you subconsciously don’t want a serious relationship. Because if you are in a serious relationship, you have the potential to seriously get hurt. By eliminating the potential for getting hurt, you’re protecting yourself.
Venting - LOL that is what CRG told me. She said I am a committmentphobe. I replied “pffft”… although maybe you have a point… How do I know?
I think that is actually the trusted and true reason behind the ‘Why Do I Always End Up With Assholes’ dilema.