Not only is there a great possibility that I have what is delightfully called an “incompetent cervix” (thanks for that LG), but I am also a weak twat in general.
Fire Man and I exchanged a couple of 5-line emails earlier, pleasant stuff about a presentation he is writing. Two each way. I didn’t reply to the last one (that gives away that I emailed him first… bugger). Anyway, I found the cool which I had lost for long enough to type and send the initial email and didn’t reply to his last one (I had suggested that his presentation go like this: “Hi Gentlemen. If you see a fire, RUN!”. He replied that as it was a presentation to the fire service, he didn’t think that would work as they would prefer to hang about “and play with their hoses”).
Then, Fire Man emailed me again about an hour ago saying:
“Your boss ain’t that bad he sponsored you £30 - that’s more than I’ve sponsored you…”
And I ignored it.
Until about ten minutes ago, I inexplicably caved and replied:
“You’re right, that was very kind of him. He’s mostly left me alone today to get on with stuff as well, which has been much appreciated. Good boss today. Sometimes he is a heinous boss though. Heinous in that “stop flapping around me and calling pointless meetings that waste my time, you clearly have no idea what we are doing in comms, get out of the way and I’ll do it, you are totally useless, how are you my boss and not the other way around?” manner. Hope your presentation is now looking in good shape. These things usually write themselves if you get into a flow, don’t you find?”
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 
(Note that his email gives away that he has been looking at my fundraising page. Despite the moment of weakness, I am proud that I didn’t bite at the sponsorship comment. I won’t ask him to sponsor me. He has offered at least three times that I can recall. The first two times, I said that would be nice of him. I know what he is doing. He enjoys me trailing after him. Well, I don’t care how worthy the cause is. If he wants to sponsor me, he clearly knows the address and he can decide to put his hand in his pocket without me asking. That much I refuse to give him).
UPDATE!
Literally, as I was hitting “publish”, I got this reply from him:
“I’ve done 35 slides! Make each one last a couple of minutes and add questions at the end and general faff at the beginning and I’ll be fine!Easy! Can’t overrun anyway cause I have another meeting to get to after the presentation which is much more important… Plus most people get bored of me after an hour so probably for the best…”
Ooh, I think this is my chance to leave with my head up high!! This is what he wants me to reply. Something along the lines of:
- Well done you!
- Blah blah blah about winging it
- You’re a clever chap, you’ll be great!
- insert ego-massaging niceties like I always do for him
- Check you out with your important meeting to run off to (insert self-deprecating joke here about not being allowed away from my desk, let alone into a meeting)
- Something about “how can anybody ever get bored of you?!”
- Finish with a nice open question to encourage a reply… that he will ignore.
Et voila! I would lose a little bit more self-confidence.
This is the reply he will get:
Oh, nothing, I am not replying! Ha! (Now, how do I actually STOP myself from breaking this?)
And why does it make me feel bad not replying?
Ignore it. It’s the end of the day. Go home, have some pizza and play with the rat ladies. Chill.
When you get in tomorrow ask your boss for a new keyboard. Your current one seems to be missing the delete key.
Create a rule in Outlook to automatically move his message to the trash. Don’t even read them.
In some weird way, you’re seeking validation from him, maybe? I don’t know. I still think this is a “please pick me, see how nice I am?” thing.
blue, don’t worry too much about that cervix . . . you’re doing good. and the men too, don’t let them get you down. my advise, not that anyone would want it, would be to quit puffing up their egos because it might help your own.
p.s. your blog is fun and interesting, please don’t pack up (but if you do maybe you can let me know where you go off to??).
An incompetent cervix is when it can’t hold the baby any longer and risks premature labor. Seeing as how you’re not pregnant, I don’t think that applies to you, unless it means something different in Britain.
I’m too curious to ever create the Outlook rule like Venting suggested, but why are you e-mailing him? Doesn’t what he did to you make you mad enough to not stroke his ego anymore?
Sarah - it can be a consequence of the LOOP procedure I underwent three weeks ago (although I won’t know until I am pregnant, it was just a way to weave the word twat into my blog post).
I just can’t seem to leave it. I keep hoping I am wrong about him. Yeah, see the title of this post again. It is so true. I haven’t replied so far though…
Jvalways - oh, thank you! I think you’re right about the ego thing. I just don’t know how to go about it… it will be new territory for me!
I know you’re all kinds of freaked out, but please don’t worry about that stuff now. You have no plans to get pregnant in the immediate future!
soupy speaking from experience, you can have a procedure should you fall pregnant to help you carry the baby full-term. as for FM, you probably feel bad because you are a good person and you dont want to let him down…even though he lets you down. Now think of it this way, with each interaction there must be some balance some give and some take. If youre not getting anything out of the interactions with FM then you need to steer clear. An auto-rule will help with this if you are too curious to ignore. After a while you wont care as much anymore.
xxx
We’ve been texting tonight. He started it. Now I feel down. I’ll blog some of his comments tomorrow. He’s playing games with my head.
By replying to him, you are validating his behaviour and he’ll just think that he can play you, which he will then continue to do.
Trust me, he knows what he is doing and you are playing right along!
Mate - you have to stop - the longer this goes on, the more and more miserable it is likely to make you.
He must know that by doing this he’s messing with your mind, and that’s a very cruel thing to do.
Bah, you are NOT a weak twat!
You’re a living breathing person with hopes, desires, and feelings, and you react according to how you feel, the same as we all do!
x
block his email address. then you won’t even get them. if you can’t do that, delete them as soon as you get them. do the same with him text messages. the more you reply the worse you will feel…quit torturing yourself!
Ms20 - I think it’s easy for people not in the situation to watch how I am reacting and just think “What the fuck is she doing? She is a complete moron. Just stop contacting him!” because they’re distanced from it. It’s not like I’m blind to him and need telling. I am fully aware that he’s playing around. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do, or why I react the way I react, but it isn’t a black and white situation. I can’t just turn it off. When I read his emails and messages, I can see the two sides to his communications:
1. the charmer, the stuff I would drink in were I not wisening up to his self-perception as a bit of a lothario. I had to delete my entire inbox of texts from before because reading them back with the added knowledge that hindsight bestows, made me feel stupid for being taken in by him in the first place. It doesn’t matter that I questioned him motives on here, or said things like “my, he is so charming, too perfect” - at the end of the day, I was duped.
2. at the same time, I am able to read his messages through a second lens. I can see the little games he is playing. His texting me the other day about being down the road was all about me biting and suggesting we catch up after work. He put the worm out there for me sniff at and get stuck on the hook. Then he could ignore it, and reply later that he was on his train and in a real rush. He was only texting me that afternoon because he was in a seminar and probably sitting at the back with that insolent slouch feeling bored and needing entertainment. I am just a form of entertainment. His references to Alfie last night… he sees himself as that kind of womanising character. I replied in the end with “Charming but morally lacking, the heart bleeds for him. Terrible film. Are you enjoying it?” If he wants to send texts with double-meanings, he can have one back in return.
Fuck him. I know I will be sucked into this game again. I won’t take kindly to anyone coming on here and “yelling” at me about it or saying that I am stupid or loopy for texting him back. I have never professed to understand myself, or to always do the right thing. I just do what feels right for me. And even though responding may be the wrong thing, that isn’t necessarily how it feels late on a weekday night when I am tired and riled at his behaviour and feel the need to win (even though I invariably lose).
I might try PJB’s piss off remark IF I hear from him again. I am going to do my damndest not to instigate any contact myself though!
MS20 - if that comment was regarding what i said….believe me, i’ve been in this situation, i’m not just saying things becasue i think i know best. i had a heart breaking long drawn out thing with my last ex which completely destoryed me so much that i became depressed…eventually after blocking emails and texts i learned to cope with it, having contact just was not helping at all becasue it kept him at the front of my mind…
so yes, it’s hard and no matter what anyone says, we aren’t in the situation….but give some of us credit, just becasue you don’t know we’ve been there, doesn’t mean we haven’t.
Soupy - the way i got rid of mine… a text in reply to his saying ’sorry, who are you?’. he thought id’deleted his number and so didn’t recognise it and didn’t want to talk to him any more…..
Blue Soup
you weren’t entirely duped - I remember a while ago you were saying you weren’t sure about him and we were all saying give him a chance.
I know you know not to reply - but I also know that suddenly the strength goes late at night - or when he’s being charming etc etc.
Although I don’t think anyones having a go
noones saying your loopy (well someone called me insane in my last post)
The thing is everyones been there and wish they could go back and tell their fireman where to go.
PJB
Yeah I know you’ve been in that situation (thats how I found you and it helped) if I wasn’t in the same situation (right now) I would be reading this blog and mine thinking ’she’s insane’
As I said as everyone has been in a similar situation being messed about by someone who clearly doesn’t give a damn they all wish they could go back and change things - delete the emails, delete the phone number, photos etc. and have the satisfaction of saying ‘fireman who?’ when he called but it’s difficult to do at the time - otherwise they wouldn’t keep contacting would they.
You might want to remind him that Alfie ends up alone and miserable at the end of the film. Noone hates him, they just feel sorry for him.
Ms20 - I was thinking that last night, but I don’t think he really cares.
Also it would make you look angry and bitter - you want to look nonchalant!
Just look forward to the time when you start to feel sorry for him.