Aside from the fact that I am now having a serious crisis of confidence (this is since my earlier post!) - can I really do this? My course is going to shit and I am so flunking it. Have I bitten off more than I can chew right now? Why do they seem to think that I am exciting when I really have nothing to back it up with? Am I going to have to defer my entire diploma for a year?
etc etc
The man situation. I just want to get this out, to purge as it were. I am feeling anxious this evening, tired and fearful, unsettled and unsure, and this state of mind is probably directly impacting upon my wobbly romantic state. I suppose that this paragraph is to serve as some form of disclaimer or get-out clause when sanity returns and I change my mind again.
I have been missing The Mechanic to extortionate extremes lately. I know it is utterly ridiculous, but I just want to see him all the time at the moment. Last week I was dreading the fact that I had to work at the weekend to do this fucking diploma essay but then I was granted an extension and the pressure lifted. Well, minutely anyway. But enough to have me on the phone not even ten minutes later asking him to cancel his plans to attack the floor in his bathroom and come up to the Big Smoke and spend the weekend doing very little more than snuggling up in front of the telly and playing with Polly and Sybil.
Today, with my crisis of confidence going on, I really want to just be able to go home and have him just a few miles away so that when he has finished mending person Y’s car, he can jump in his van or get on the bike and come round and give me a cuddle and tell me that it’s going to be alright, that I’m going to be ok. But he’s over 100 miles away, and that is not a trip one can make for just an evening. Plus it is Collet’s birthday today so they’ll be drinking themselves into stupors in the pub all night…
The Mechanic is just so lovely to me. He’s kind and sincere. He doesn’t lie, he always puts my feelings ahead of his own. He treats me like I am worth my weight in gold, he’s big and stereotypically strong, but protective and soppy, like a big hairy dog that loves the family it lives with. He’s not the sharpest tool in the box, he finds throwing chocolate eclairs at Dave amusing to a degree that I just can’t comprehend, sometimes his compliance with whatever I say irritates me. He has horrible teeth and his feet smell unholy no matter how many times I chuck him in the bath with everything from my finest Covent Garden body wash to some sports product designed specifically for whiffy boys. He’s always got a hint of “manly” odour about him, within half an hour of taking a shower! Sometimes it’s not a hint either so much as a wall of man smell. But it’s not nasty. It’s just a boyish musty smell with a sweet lingering of Lynx Africa. I got into bed on Sunday night and my bed smelt warm and sweet, like he does. Can someone smell warm? Does that make sense? Well, he does. Perps has suggested that I like the stability that The Mechanic offers, because he is so different from Beardy and Fire Man.
Maybe.
I don’t know.
I know some of you are wondering about Mr Divorced.
He’s a very nice guy too. If I hadn’t met The Mechanic some 4 months ago, I expect that I would be much more excited about Mr Divorced. I mean, he’s intelligent and interesting, attractive, successful, has a good sense of humour, is clearly taken by me (both in terms of my looks and my personality). I would probably be bouncing off the walls - but maybe it is my detachedness that he is attracted to? The fact that I must appear haphazardly busy, constantly on the move seeing this person or running late for that thing. I rarely respond to texts or emails immediately. I read them, think “oh that’s nice, I’ll reply later” and when I remember, I tap out a response. Maybe this is an insight into how Fire Man felt about me?
My friends think that I ought to chop The Mechanic before I end up getting “in too deep” and it all becomes painful. As it is I have managed to form quite an attachment without realising until too late. He’s young, is happy with his yokel life (and it wouldn’t satisfy me in the long run although right now I just want to up sticks and run away and be an admin assistant at the charity his mum runs), and if we lived nearer to each other, I know the shine would come off and I would tire of him. My friends say I haven’t given Mr Divorced enough of a chance. He willingly came over to where we were drinking on Friday night, even though he knew I was leaving within the hour. I don’t get excited about seeing him, although I do admit that I enjoy his company within a short time of settling into a chat. I really enjoy his company. My mates say I should see him more times and give him a chance. He’s “more suitable” and I should try for a chance at romantic happiness with someone who lives in London.
I do want to do this in a way.
But in another I am so against it.
I don’t want to commit to anything or anyone, but I want The Mechanic there. That’s unfair of course. I don’t want to burn any bridges by getting rid of Mr Divorced - it might just be that I am feeling very unsettled at the moment with my life in general and that I’ll feel more able to sort this stuff out when I am a bit less anxious.
But there we have it. I don’t know how I feel really. Shit tonight. I just want my big Mechanic to turn up and sleep like a dead weight next to me, snoring to the point that I kick him repeatedly until he shuts up.
What. A. Mess.
oooh - well just don’t expect any answers right now…it’s going to be a longer process, don’t add to your new job stress by expecting too much of yourself
erm, sorry to say this, but who are you friends to say who you should be with? i know they ‘know you’ etc but if The Mechanic is as nice and lovely as you say and you do like him, surely it’s up to you?
it sounds like you really like him but you’re scared to commit or admit it becasue it’s not plain sailing…but then no relationship is. when i met The Boy, the last thing i needed was a long distance relationship, but even with the distance it was so stable and comfortable and exactly what i needed.
Just do what you want, make you happy, not your friends.xx
Is it really a mess? You want The Mechanic, what is wrong with that? Go call The Mechanic if it will comfort you
Your friends (and us bloggers) don’t have to live with your decisions. You do. So follow your heart, and yours alone. Who cares that Mr. D is more suitable for you if you don’t get excited about him? Who says that things are going to end badly with The Mechanic?
As far as I know, neither man is demanding a decision right now, so why make one?
I agree with PJB and Sarah. Sometimes we fight so hard against what we ‘think’ is right and what we feel.
As Sarah says, follow your heart.
I’d like to kick Q out into the garden because of his farting/snoring on a nightly basis - but he loves me, and I love him. He is good to me, my children - what more could I want? He looks after us all, looks after us when we’re ill … makes us laugh - I couldn’t ask for more.
So if you have that in your relationship, hold onto it tight - very tight.
I agree with all of the above. You have to do what you want, not what someone else says you ought to do.
Like I said the other night, The Mechanic isn’t into playing games with you, he is honest, open and easy going. You should enjoy it for a bit, if anything it’ll restore your faith that not all men are lying, cheating fcukheads.
Don’t let your friends dictate who you should or should not be with, it isn’t their life is it?
‘it’s going to be alright, you’re going to be ok’
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself!
You’ve told the Mechanic where he stands - so what if you’re missing him mroe than you ought to. Go with it - follow your heart - you’ll not have an regrets.
See divorced if you want to - but just as friends - don’t confuse matters
I used to have feet which stank even almost straight after a bath or shower! really bad one friend actually band me from staying over at there house
In the end it was so bad I went to the doctors, found out a had some sort of fungal infection kinda like trench foot.
It never goes away but if I remove the build up of dead skin from my feet ie use a Pumice stone on the bottom of my feet every time I bath or shower they don’t smell.
Just a thought
Luckily you’re not being asked to make any decisions by either bloke, so maybe you should stop imposing the ‘ARGGH! WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOOOSE!’ question on yourself. Mr Divorced is obviously older, more experienced, but probably willing, like you, to see how things pan out. There’s nothing wrong with being a free agent and at the same time needing a bit of comfort. It’s normal. And don’t worry about the job, just think of that time in a few weeks when everything will be second nature to you.
I know I’m gonna get some stick for this but…….
If you were a man you wouldn’t see this situation as a problem.
Why are you resisting The Mechanic so much?
I hope you’re feeling better by now Soupy. *hugs*
Follow your heart, the rest comes later. xx
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