reason #758 why i need to stop drinking

28Jan09

See previous post.

Yes, last night’s melancholy trip down memory lane was fuelled by the best part of a bottle of Merlot. Lovely drink; Not-so-lovely outcome. There’s a lot to be said for being tee-total (at least during the week) and I have made a piss poor job of it since Christmas. And to think, up until the festive season I was doing so well.

So I blame booze for the outpouring last night, but only the outpouring bit. Alcohol is not responsible for my underlying emotions, just my control of them. I have written here before about how I am over my ex and how there have been occasions where I have felt nothing where he is concerned. That was all true. Most of the time, the fact that the ex and I have parted ways is not something that bothers me. At the time, it hurt like buggery and there was a long period of time where I was involved with other people but underneath it all there was still a big gaping wound that I was simply trying to plaster over with the dating equivalent of a band aid. A wound needs air to heal. It needs to be allowed to heal at whatever rate it takes.

Last night is not the first time that I have felt quite sad about the death of that relationship. Thankfully these episodes are few and far between, but I have come to realise that they have their place in the general healing process. When they sneak up on me like that, I need to just let them be. After that length of time with somebody, it’s only natural that feelings about them will take a substantial period to fade. As I said last night, it is no reflection on my current relationship. That I mourn the loss of someone who took centre stage in my life for over two years doesn’t mean that I don’t love The Mechanic, nor does it mean that I am still in love with the ex. I do still care about him very much and if he ever came to any harm – despite all the bad times – I would be upset. If he died I would cry my heart out. We shared a lot of good times, and I suppose that as the pain associated with the demise of our partnership starts to let go of the vice-like grip that it has held on my heart for so long, it allows a gap for the happier memories to come through.

The fact of the matter is that we had a lot of good times. When I said “I don’t know why we stayed together for so long” and go on to detail that we put each other through a load of headfucks, what I fail to mention is that we also made each other laugh a lot, we made each other happy, we enjoyed each other’s company and shared a lot of love. The ex is a very warm person. He is charismatic and popular and people gravitate to him. Sure, he did some things that were unforgivable and hurt me terribly in the process. He shouldn’t have made those mistakes in the first place and the biggest crime towards me (I suppose) is that he repeated them. My crime was in letting him have that second opportunity to do so. But you have to understand, I didn’t want to walk away from someone who I loved and who, I like to believe, did love me.

We weren’t the right blend to end up old and grey together. I am sad for that. I am sad for all the shit that we had to go through together. It shouldn’t have been that way, but it was. I am still angry with him, but the signs are good that it is fading and happier memories are now being allowed back into my conscious. I do miss him because I chose him to be in my life and circumstances (and his actions) saw him cast out of it. I had an ex-shaped gap in my life.

Just because someone has moved on and is happy with their new lot, content with their new (or, actually, not so new) partner, it doesn’t mean that previous loves will never cross their mind ever again.

So, don’t read too much into last night. What I wrote was absolutely real and I felt every word of it. This morning, “our song” came on the random shuffle on my iPod and I had to flick onto the next track because, even sober, I would have cried. Some of it is still more raw than I perhaps expected but that may just be a result of the numbness lifting. I am over the ex for the most part, but I still mourn the loss. I lost a piece of me. The Mechanic has helped me find a new corner of my personality that I never knew I had and if we were to part, I would lose that. All this would happen again but with him substituted in the place that the ex currently holds.

It’s just part of letting go. I don’t want him back, I don’t care that his inner soul now belongs to another woman. I don’t care that the child in him turns to her rather than me. But I am still allowed to feel, and it is still ok to feel sad. On occasion.

I mean, look, it’s all ok today. No harm done.

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