It is like there is a huge amount racing around in my head but no words with which to describe it, no way to get any of it out.
Sometimes I feel like a child trapped in a 26-year-old body. Is this my life? How did I get here? Where was it I was going again? Is everyone else just muddling along in the same manner that I do, just not letting the rest of the world know that they have no real idea what they’re supposed to be doing with their shot at life, worrying habitually that they’ll be exposed as some kind of fraud?
I’m not sure from where this gentle melancholy has come tonight but I’ve learnt that it is best to just roll with it, ponder, let it pass on its own.
I am cross legged on my bed, with Polly wriggling around on my left foot, slightly under the right knee, laptop hovering overhead.
In a month and a bit I will be moving out into a place on my own, another step deeper into the adulthood I feel I have only been playing with to date. I feel both excited and sick.
Crikey, this blog is shit at the moment.
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Doesn’t everyone feel like that?! I certainly do … I suppose we should hope that Presidents and Prime Ministers etc don’t, though!
Hello, by the way! I have visited a few time before but first time commenting! Love your blog x
Hi Sally, thank you. I just want to assure you that the next post is not related to you at all. I realise that the timing of it looks dreadful. I didn’t see your comment in the moderation queue until after I published it.
Thanks for saying you like my blog.
I need a bit of headspace at the moment. I hope I am just feeling oversensitive tonight and it’ll all look ok again in the morning.
No offence taken! (I meant everyone feels like a child muddling along. I didn’t mean that everyone feels that your blog was shit, of course! As I said, I think your blog is great!)
Hope you feel better tomorrow
Now that has made me laugh. (I know what you meant). I’vejust been royally pissed off by someone in another corner of the blogosphere, someone I don’t even know who decided to take a swipe for no reason.
I sometimes think it is the human condition to be nasty. We can be a bloody horrible race, mean, unkind, cruel, spiteful.
all tautology of course.
Sorry you’re having a rough night. Things will get better. xx
Thanks Breeza. You’ll have to post somethin about your new chuch guy to cheer me up. No pressure
My typing is atrocious tonight….
have a huggle, I know how you feel. xx
I feel like that too, sometimes. And other times I think ‘How the hell did I get here?’
Don’t be scared about the new house. It’ll be a great big adventure
Hoorah!
I think everyone DOES feel like you do. When you’re young you really think adults are different to you and that somehow you will change and become all self-assured and confident and competent and all that. That’s how they look. Then you get there and realise you’re the same as you’ve always been! You feel immature and can’t believe you’re allowed to drive/have a job/have a mortgage/have a child/.
At a recent careers day on psychology jobs, the clinical psychologist giving his talk mentioned that reasonably often he wakes up in the morning feeling utter dread that while everyone around him thinks he’s this eminent, professional, competent Clinical Psychologists, charted and everything and he feels that somehow he’s a fraud. That he’s a nobody and he is afraid one day people will see through the facade.
It’s called Imposter syndrome and is down to a person being unable to internalise their accomplishments or fully take ownership of their achievements as being of themselves. I think it’s also assuming other people are without doubts and fears (they’re not). People around you might look all together and in control and totally at ease with life but really we are ALL vulnerable people (just in different ways and in differetn areas of our lives).
Take my sister. In her career she doesn’t need a power suit. she IS her power suit. She’s ambitious, gutsy, won’t be intimidated, she doesn’t put up with crap and is an all round ball-buster of a woman.
In her love life she is the wibbliest, wimpiest, most unassertive woman I’ve known. She can’t seem to put her foot down and has only once been the one who left (after a long time of putting up with his shit) because she is terrified of being alone. She is incredibly insecure here. Not everyone is such a contrast but it shows that people who know her through work couldn’t guess at what she’s like in her relationships
so funny you shuld say all that! i’ve been saying the same about only feeling like i’m pretending at life, like when i was six and played “let’s pretend…” games like house or school. i’m pretending i’m an adult, i’m pretending to write an application form, i’m pretending to be mature, i’m pretending i’m an interviewee….the list goes on. we were saying earlier this week that do we really ever feel “adult”? i fear the answer may be no. it’s all about faking it, until you’re comfortable in what you are doing. like you’re good at being a pr officer now, but maybe at the beginning you felt like you were pretending to play the role until it became second nature and now you can feel confident. it’s certainly not just you, trust me.
i can relate to that psychologist that anotherblogger mentioned. and i look at other people who seem sorted and organized and really cool while i look at myself and i feel unassured, cant face reality, want to hide. so many thoughts on this…