so, what’s new?
Perhaps I’ve lost my blogging mojo (and I know it happens to everyone from time to time), but I’ve had little-to-no inclination to post anything. The thought of sitting down to compose something has made me feel tired and more than a little irritated.
I know that it could be a symptom of the return of depression and that’s set me worrying that the world could get darker again. I’m an anxious person at the best of times, but recent happenings do not bode well for a mentally-content Soupster. Having had a few days where the pain of mourning wasn’t so intense, floods of tears on Thursday night and memories of the night after my Dad died suddenly as clear as the moment they happened indicated that all is far from well.
Of course, I wasn’t surprised. I’m not stupid enough to believe that I’m going to ‘be ok’ for a good while yet. Not even two months have passed. I’m stuck in this for the longhaul and that’s just a fact. I had, however, hoped that the quiet few days signalled that – perhaps? – I was going to get off lightly. Perhaps the years of soul searching and trying to understand the world (and, indeed, my own mind) were going to pay off and see me now in an excellent position to cope with all this?
Well, who knows anything these days?
Let me tell you what I do know: life is about instability now. The world is upside down. I know that it’s perfectly plausible for a parent to die at any time. It’s perfectly plausible for anybody to die at any time. Similarly, the economy is still in the shitter, so redundancies are part and parcel of that so that we’ve been hit by two rounds in four months is also not that surprising when you consider how things are looking for the UK at the moment. I suppose I just never thought these things would happen to me. Together.
A couple of months ago, my life was beginning to look pretty good. I’d gotten through the first round of redundancies and was moving out to Woking. My plans were coming together: live in suburbia for a year, maybe a year and a half, then move out to Wiltshire and rent a house with The Mechanic. We can both get to our places of work from there and explore a life together, properly together. A year of renting and, assuming all is rosy, we’d buy. If it didn’t work out, we’d go our separate ways and I’d come back up towards London. Although we won’t focus on that latter option.
Now, I’m grieving for my Dad.
And the team has shrunk again… and again… and again (our Irish PR colleague has also resigned) and it feels very much like: “Oh God, what are they going to do with us next?” They (being evil overlords) can do whatever they like and we are very much at their mercy. We either just take it on the chin and get on with whatever changes they impose or we leave. That is very much the vibe. There are no conversations to be had. This is not a two-way thing. I feel vulnerable and exposed.
On the one hand there are whispers of the company being broken up and sold off, of mergers and acquisitions, of the team being forced out at some other point anyway. On the other hand, some of my colleagues have poo-pooed this as “scaremongering” by people who have no idea what is going on. The truth of the matter is that even they don’t know what is going on. Nobody does apart from the chief exec and his right hand man and they don’t let any of that information out of the ivory tower. Past experience as shown that they say: “we’re fine, we’re fine, we’re fine, we’re fine, we’re fine… ohhh, that! Well, now that we have to face up to it, yeah, apart from us being totally fucked, we’re, you know, fine.”
So the complete lack of trust in in what the senior management team tells us is a big problem.
And to feel like that at work on top of in my personal life now that the protective blanket of doting parent is removed, is scary.
Let’s not even consider the Dad stuff. Just the work stuff. Do I stay or do I jump ship? I know you’re all going to say: “Just start looking at what’s out there, no harm right?” Well, you forgot that this is me, we’re talking about. I’ve managed to go and complicate the situation. I can’t say anything right now. I hope I don’t have to say anything more about it, to be honest, because it saves me a dilemma, but check back for more on the subject in the next couple of days. I might even tell you what I’ve gone and done.
I am a total fuckwit.
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Did you go find a job someplace else?
No, I don’t have a new job.
Well, I’ve got my fingers crossed that something good comes out of all the misery/pain/suffering you’ve gone through over the past six months. It’s been a rough time for you, and things have to start looking up, soon. xx.
I have nothing on how to make you feel better, i think you just have to feel it and try not to worry too much that it’s too dark right now
but fuckwit…i’d forgotten how much i love that word (almost as much as tossbiscuit) and no you are not one!
I am pretty certain you are not a fuckwit… no matter whatever it is that you have “done”… I am sorry that there seems to be one thing after another for you, just know that lots of people love and care for you, x
Did you dump a full cup of water on my computer on Saturday afternoon and cause it to explode? Oh wait, that was Zstep Junior. As long as you didn’t do that, I can’t believe you are a “total fuckwit”…
I just wanted to de-lurk and say its really easy for somebody who isn’t involved to say this, but try not to worry about it too much, I wouldn’t want to see you feeling any worse.
If you feel really concerned about it, I work in employment law. If you want some options thrown your way i’d be more than happy to oblige (you only have to ask)… or you might want to ring acas they provide impartial legal advice related to the workplace which you might find really useful.
Hope that helps! X
I think I said to you a few days ago that it was inevitable that people would leave of their own accord. You should prepare yourself for more of that. Will more people leaving destabilise the team? Probably. Destabilise the company? Doubtful. But ask yourself this, if you’re not happy there, why are you staying?
I knew other people would leave after the way things have gone. I said a few weeks ago myself that I predicted my manager would go within 6 months (http://bluesoup.wordpress.com/2009/10/21/ch-ch-ch-changes/ can’t remember how to put link in text!).
Even though – rationally – we know that recent events have just been cold business decisions made by people who are just looking at lists of numbers of the payroll and who don’t know us as people, nothing feels rational to those of us lined up in front of the shotguns wondering who they’ll fire at. There is nothing personal about it and the one time they tried to get around employment law with our team, the NUJ got involved and they were smacked back in line. Everything has, therefore, been done by the book.
But we do feel badly treated. We feel shunted around like livestock at a cattle market. “Oh, well, we can put Person X in this box and Person Y over there in that role.” I am really concerned at the number of changes that have been made to my role so far and I have had to lump it. It’s been a case of: “You’re on consultation. You can either apply for this role which is your current role plus X, Y and Z or you can leave.” No discussion. No real choices.
Yeah, I could leave. But go where? Last time I checked, unemployment was at a record high. While there are jobs out there, there are also 30 (40, 50, 150???) candidates for each position. And we’re not talking rubbish candidates either who are unemployed at the moment because they are crap. We are talking about capable individuals who perform well, but have been laid off themselves due to the recession.
I’m not suggesting that people from my team leaving will destabilise the company. The company doesn’t need any help there. Bren, you know where I work. Just do a search and see what the City analysts have been saying. See the reports about that giant corporation that was a month ago thinking of swallowing us up before it went across the pond and ate up a US equivalent. There are areas of the company in big, big trouble and this is rippling through the entire organisation now, now that attempts at containing the crisis within those areas have failed.
If I’m not happy here, why do I stay? Well, the answer is threefold:
1. I’m unclear as to where the true source of my current unhappiness lies: is it really work? Is it just that I’m grieving and confusing general unhappiness with unhappiness in specific parts of my life? Were I not mourning my Dad, would I feel so bad about any of this?
2. I had plans. This was shaping up. My work was going to be a way out of the south east and London. Ok, plans change and people need to be flexible, but that doesn’t make it easy…
3. Where else do I go while the economy continues to shrink?
I should probably have made this a post in its own right.
It’s really hard to find a job in this economy, and that makes sticking out crappy jobs to be a right pain in the ass. You can’t leave because you can’t get another job, and there’s not point leaving a job where you collect a paycheck for a. unemployment, or b… if you quit, there’s no unemployment, so no check at all.
I’m sorry Soupy. I really, truly, hope things get better for you. You’d probably be able to handle this slightly better if you didn’t have to cope with losing your Dad, but still, all the cuts and actions of the company would make you lose hope at some point, even if it were slightly further down the road.