85 dollar deposit

11Nov09

We talked for hours tonight.

You out there in Russia, me in my Woking flat.

In the dim and distant past, I was The One That Got Away.

You hung on to that flitty 16 year old while she pushed you and poked you and kicked you and demanded of you. You chased and clawed and clung until that final night in Exeter. The terror in the eyes. The realisation that we were strangers. You saw I didn’t love you any more, you saw I didn’t know you, that I thought you’d hit me.

We ended that night, although I didn’t really believe it at the time.

I was so intent on proving my lack of worth that I drove you away, made you prove you wanted me time and time again. Everytime you put up with me, I slapped a bit harder. You could do no right, no matter what, I would have seen to that. I’d've just moved the goal posts all over - here, there, anywhere, always out of your reach – just to see if you’d stay.

And when you didn’t, I was right: I wasn’t worth it.

As I said, I didn’t realise that it ended that night. It took months for it to become clear that it was actually really gone. There was no contact for years. It took years for me to realise that it there would be no more, never, not ever.

Earlier this year we exchanged a few words over MSN. Just a few. A decade since meeting the strain was still evident.

Tonight, you poured out everything. I knew I was bad, but I didn’t know I was that bad. I wasn’t malicious. I was a kid playing games. It was all too intense. I might even struggle to cope with that kind of intensity even now as an adult.

Tonight, you said: “Well, we’ve got a clean slate. I don’t know what we’ll write on it.”

I am scared to see you again on MSN. I am scared that by talking, we’ll spoil what we maybe repaired. You see, in all honesty, you were The One That Got Away.

I sit and ponder this fractured relationship, hanging by the finest of threads.

You out there in Russia, me in my Woking flat.


Filed under: Blogging   |  11 Comments

11 Responses to “85 dollar deposit”  

Feed for this Entry Trackback Address
  1. 1 dellie on 11 November, 2009 said:

    wonderfully, wonderfully written!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  2. 3 gekkogirl on 11 November, 2009 said:

    Excellent post but woah…..

    Reply
  3. 4 Helen on 11 November, 2009 said:

    I was that girl with my last boyfriend. Except I wasn’t a flitty 16 year old. I was a should-have-known-better 26 year old. I pushed and pushed and pushed. And when he left I felt the same. I felt like I’d proved that I wasn’t worth it.

    Worst mistake I’ve ever made.

    Reply
  4. 5 blue soup on 11 November, 2009 said:

    That’s what blogging in the wee small hours does to you.

    In some respects, I feel the same re: worst mistake. He was (is) a lovely, sensitive guy. What if I hadn’t been so awful?

    But it’s so easy to sit and think “what if?” and put rose tinted glasses on when examining the carcasses of past relationships.

    He was incredibly intense and I couldn’t cope with that at that age. As I said, I don’t know how I’d've reacted even at 26.

    I feel regret.

    I hope I have learnt from it. I think I have – to a degree. I can’t put my hand on my heart and say honestly that I don’t still push. I just don’t push and push and push. There is still vicious streak in me that is hellbent on destroying good relationships that I manage to cultivate. I just seem better able to manage that self-destructive part of my personality.

    I catch myself pushing TM away and can usually rein it in. When I can’t. I remove myself from the situation as soon as I can until it passes. I have nearly ended this relationship because the devil on my shoulder started nagging at me. When I feel like that, I try to sleep on it before taking any action.

    Helen, I would just say allow yourself to feel regret – but not too much. Don’t let it consume you. Try to take positives from it. Idon’t think you are ready to do that yet, but go easy on yourself x

    Reply
  5. 6 respectableside on 11 November, 2009 said:

    i’m exactly the same as you soupy….i push and push sometimes because i think i’m not worthy of this and therefore get hell bent on destroying it….like you i can catch myself now and retreat from the situation until i can be a better person. It is always a rose tinted pair of specs…..the legendary boyfriend always is…xx

    Reply
  6. 7 gekkogirl on 11 November, 2009 said:

    Think its important to recognise too that… The One That Got Away usually got away because they weren’t the One. Even if it still feels like they were sometimes. Even if it feels like they still are. Or might be again one day.
    Hard as that may be, especially when these feelings rise to the surface as intensely as they can and do, do.

    Reply
  7. 8 bedshaped on 11 November, 2009 said:

    I have something to add here, but I’ll come back to it when I’m in a better mood.

    Reply
  8. 9 urbanvox on 12 November, 2009 said:

    wow…
    I really don’t know what else to say… but WOW!

    Reply
  9. 10 blue soup on 12 November, 2009 said:

    Bedshaped – uh oh… sounds ominous… did the post put you in a bad mood, or was that something else?

    G and urbanvox – why the “woah” and the “WOW”? Just curious… :)

    Reply
  10. 11 urbanvox on 12 November, 2009 said:

    that is simple… :)

    DEEP… does that help at all??? :)

    Reply

Leave a Reply